Name: Kelsey
February 12 1989
11:00 AM Time Zone is PST
Fair Oaks, CA
Rising Sign is in 24 Degrees Taurus
Calm and deliberate, you hate to move quickly or act hastily. Very practical, every effort must count or you can't be bothered. Patient, persistent and steady, but very stubborn -- you can't be pushed or pressured into anything. You seem outwardly self-assured because you tend to repress your inner tension and turmoil. You exude an earthy warmth, friendliness and charm. You demand comfortable surroundings and appreciate the good life. Be careful of a tendency to be overly self-indulgent. At times, you are lazy and difficult to motivate. Overcoming inertia is a problem for you and, because you are not by nature a self-starter, it is often necessary for you to receive stimuli from others in order to get moving.
Sun is in 24 Degrees Aquarius.
You get bored with the status quo and are generally open to new things and ideas. An individualist and a free spirit, your friends are quite important to you as long as they do not try to tie you down by making too many emotional demands on you. Your thoughts are offbeat and you're a bit eccentric, but not always very changeable. As a matter of fact, you can be quite stubborn at times. Very fair-minded when dealing with large groups or broad issues, you are not always emotionally sensitive to the needs of individuals. Extremely objective, with good powers of observation, you would be qualified to study technical and complicated subjects, like science, computers or maybe even astrology.
Moon is in 21 Degrees Taurus.
Warmth, comfort, security and familiar surroundings are necessary for you to feel at ease. Very loving and affectionate, you prefer a steady, patterned way of life. Patient, calm and steadfast, you are not easily upset. Others look to you for support. You tend to be a slow starter and a slow mover -- others may try to rush you, but they will never succeed. Emotionally, you are quite stubborn -- your attitudes about people and things were firmly set in your youth and will change very little as an adult. You are also very cautious and conservative about spending money. It is not that you are selfish, you just need to feel secure. Beware of a tendency to become overly complacent and too self-satisfied.
Mercury is in 28 Degrees Capricorn.
You are a careful thinker, very cautious and conservative. You are quite skillful at organizing, directing and planning activities. Practical and useful things interest you -- you are not attracted to abstract thoughts or ideas. With your tendency to be highly focused and very goal-oriented, you have a good head for business. But beware of a tendency to be narrow-minded and dogmatic. Your sense of humor tends toward being earthy and slapstick crude.
Venus is in 11 Degrees Aquarius.
You are a friendly and outgoing individual, but close relationships are difficult for you to maintain due to your fear that they will cause you to lose your freedom. You attract friends and associates who are exciting, different and sometimes a bit odd. You are popular with others and enjoy working within a group toward group goals.
Mars is in 14 Degrees Taurus.
Careful, slow and thorough about all that you do, at times you are also willful and stubborn when others try to alter your course. You are definitely not a quitter -- you will work long and hard to get what you want. Your possessions are very important to you. One of your continuing problems is that you tend to regard the significant people in your life much the same way as you do your possessions -- you become overly attached and much too jealous. You repress your anger when you get upset and that is not healthy. Try to learn to show your anger immediately in order to avoid painful explosions later.
Jupiter is in 27 Degrees Taurus.
Growth only occurs for you after you have found a stable lifestyle and a dependable, protective and secure environment. You are at your best when those around you provide you with a great deal of affection and support. When you feel insecure or threatened, you tend to become possessive and grasping and self- indulgent. You are an inveterate collector with an expensive preference for all the good things that life has to offer.
Saturn is in 10 Degrees Capricorn.
Very serious-minded and mature, you have the ability to take on responsibilities and to carry out important duties. You can also be trusted to be extremely practical and thrifty. A good organizer, you are the ideal one to be counted on to take a clearly defined project through to its logical conclusion. An achiever, you pride yourself on your ability to focus your attention totally on some worthy goal and then attain it.
Uranus is in 04 Degrees Capricorn.
You, and your peer group as well, seek out practical solutions to a changing society's attitudes to customs, traditions and authority structures. Your logical and orderly manner of dealing with these matters will result in permanent and carefully planned, but sweeping, reforms.
Neptune is in 11 Degrees Capricorn.
You, and your entire generation, will idealize work, practicality and the ability to attain reasonable goals. But, because you will also stress the need to be selfless and giving, you may find it difficult to attain your goals unless you have lowered your expectations on all fronts.
Pluto is in 15 Degrees Scorpio.
For your entire generation, this is a period of intense research and discovery in areas that were heretofore considered mysterious, remote or taboo. The root causes for many complex occurrences will be unearthed due to the intensity and thoroughness of the search.
N. Node is in 04 Degrees Pisces.
You're attracted to others who need your assistance. You seem to go out of your way to form relationships with those who are weak, sick, injured, addicted or troubled in some way or other. At your best you can indeed provide the relief that others need. But at times you can be victimized by those who would prey on your good nature and take advantage of you. This can lead to all sorts of negative situations -- make sure that those you assist are truly worthy of your time, energy and commitment. A little enlightened self-protectiveness on your part can make your life work much, much smoother!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Feet
Your feet fall asleep when you are asleep. How is it possible?
Deeper and deeper you gently graze into a place where nobody else is. The only place you are here. The only place you are safe and you are safe. Slower and slower you walk and you walk into a scarlet night; moon lumps fall into your lap as you and you reach up at the cosmos. Father and farther there is no turning back. It is only you, you and the moon lumps now. Where are you going?
Your feet fall asleep when you are asleep. How is it possible?
Deeper and deeper you gently graze into a place where nobody else is. The only place you are here. The only place you are safe and you are safe. Slower and slower you walk and you walk into a scarlet night; moon lumps fall into your lap as you and you reach up at the cosmos. Father and farther there is no turning back. It is only you, you and the moon lumps now. Where are you going?
Your feet fall asleep when you are asleep. How is it possible?
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
"Bad girls go to hell"
January 1st
Last year, on this day, I started my career at McLoughlin’s Pleasure Plant. I still remember when I first applied for the job – thinking the job description would be something along the lines of trimming Bonsai trees or something about meditational gardening. If I weren’t so strapped for cash I probably wouldn’t have done it. For a full year now, I have been painting rubber penises. Jim still doesn’t know. Even if he did, it’s not like there is anything to be jealous of. I mean, it’s just rubber. A lot of it.
January 12tth-
7:58am
42. Forty-two. Cuarenta y dos. Why is it that so many expectations are held for a single day? It rolls around once a year, but every year it’s the same bullshit.
“Do you want a party?” Jim asks me casually, lighting a cigarette and unfolding the morning paper. “Maybe next year,“ I lie. I have been saying this for fifteen years, the entire length of our marriage. Every year, he wakes me up by awkwardly trying to begin our days with even more awkward morning sex. Kissing my neck from behind, running his hands up and down my hips, moving closer and closer until I quickly pull myself out of bed and rush to the bathroom. Twenty minutes later as I come out of the bathroom he is sitting on the porch outside, coffee in hand, lighting another cigarette. It’s like clockwork. It seems like he should have figured it out after so much bad sex.
Later on in the day, after we come home from an early dinner at Applebee’s, he will try this again. Now, because I have most likely had three too many glasses of red wine, I will comply. I am drunk and have intimacy issues. After his attempts to move in close, I will likely begin to think about my job, the errands I need to run in the next morning, and probably something along the lines of “God I hope I don’t get pregnant.”
It’s not like it’s hard for me to let loose. I mean, if I ever had the opportunity to I definitely would. And could. I just haven’t had the opportunity to since I was young. But this year is going to be different.
9:42pm
Today we got in a new one. His name is Mickey. He is about 8.5 inches long, a real champion. After painting about 60 of them today I decided that Mickey was going to come home with me tonight.
I quietly introduced myself under the covers, but he didn’t respond. He’s quiet, which I like about him. He also doesn’t want to cuddle, or kiss my neck, or move too fast. He lasts forever. We could go on and on all night if we wanted to.
January 27th
I had always thought I was a bad judge of character, until Mickey came into my life. In every nook and cranny of decisions I have made, people I have trusted and loved, and the energies that I had let into my life, I always seem to have made the wrong choice. Except when it comes down to Mickey. Things may be moving fast, but we have been spending a lot of time together. Even on my lunch breaks he comes in to see me. He is probably the best thing that has happened to me.
February 15th
Jim came into my work today. I guess he found a pay stub with the address on it and wanted to surprise me for lunch. I was eating a bologna sandwich. Sitting, reading the daily comics in the Chronicle. I looked up to check the time, and there he was. Jim. My husband. Staring at me, jaw dropped, eyes bigger than I had ever seen before. And there I was. White gown, hair net, surrounded by windows looking into an assembly line of women painting rubber dicks. I didn’t say anything. Silence. I had nothing to be ashamed of.
“What the fuck is this place?”
“McLoughlins”
He grabbed my arm and firmly took me outside. Lighting a cigarette, he asked again, “Now what the fuck is this place?”
“I work here. I have been working here. You know this. It’s been over a year now.“ Confrontation never came easily for me. Neither did talking to him seriously.
“So you paint dicks. This is what you do. Everyday. Painting dicks. Why in God’s name would you never tell me about this?”
“Look, my lunch is over. I have to go.”
I walked back inside, and he stayed there, jaw still halfway to the cement.
February 20th-
I have considered leaving Jim for years now. I never thought I could do any better, but with the new influence of Mickey in my life, the thought runs through my head everyday. I called my sister to get a second opinion, but couldn’t manage to tell her the whole truth.
“Well, did you meet somebody else?”
“Not really.”
“Then why leave such a good thing for an idea of a better life?”
“I have to go.”
It wasn’t a good thing, it never was a good thing. It will never be a good thing. Nobody will understand me like Mickey does. Nobody will ever love me like he does.
February 27th-
Jim is growing more and more suspicious. He must know, he has to. We haven’t even touched each other since Mickey came into my life. Mickey even asked me today if I still intended on leaving him. I have to do it. I am going to do it. It is the only thing that makes sense anymore.
February 28th-
Mickey told me today that if I didn’t leave Jim, he would leave me. He said he was sick of feeling like just some toy, he wanted to be more than that. He wanted us to be serious.
March 1st-
Last night Jim walked in on Mickey and I. We were relaxing, having a glass of wine and watching a movie. I explained to him, the only way I knew how, that I wasn’t happy any longer. There was nothing he could do about it. I had fallen in love with someone else. Someone that understood me. Someone simple. No bullshit. I knew he wouldn’t take kindly to the news but I had no idea he would do this. Tearing picture frames off the walls, throwing my clothes into suitcases, screaming uncontrollably, “HOW COULD YOU.” I grabbed Mickey from the shoebox under our bed and left, leaving behind everything I had once loved.
“IS THAT IT?”
I slammed the door behind me and I was gone. I couldn’t help but doubt my decision, but I am here now, at the Sleep Inn next to the plant. Nothing matters anymore. It is just him and I. We. Us. Together. He doesn’t care that I am 42. He loves that I am 42. He says he will pay for everything once he gets his life together. And I know he will. He will.
March 2nd-
I thought Jim would be happy for me. But that doesn’t matter anymore. I am happy for me. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Even if my family won’t talk to me, it doesn’t matter. There is nothing more beautiful than the relationship Mickey and I have created. Nothing more real.
Last year, on this day, I started my career at McLoughlin’s Pleasure Plant. I still remember when I first applied for the job – thinking the job description would be something along the lines of trimming Bonsai trees or something about meditational gardening. If I weren’t so strapped for cash I probably wouldn’t have done it. For a full year now, I have been painting rubber penises. Jim still doesn’t know. Even if he did, it’s not like there is anything to be jealous of. I mean, it’s just rubber. A lot of it.
January 12tth-
7:58am
42. Forty-two. Cuarenta y dos. Why is it that so many expectations are held for a single day? It rolls around once a year, but every year it’s the same bullshit.
“Do you want a party?” Jim asks me casually, lighting a cigarette and unfolding the morning paper. “Maybe next year,“ I lie. I have been saying this for fifteen years, the entire length of our marriage. Every year, he wakes me up by awkwardly trying to begin our days with even more awkward morning sex. Kissing my neck from behind, running his hands up and down my hips, moving closer and closer until I quickly pull myself out of bed and rush to the bathroom. Twenty minutes later as I come out of the bathroom he is sitting on the porch outside, coffee in hand, lighting another cigarette. It’s like clockwork. It seems like he should have figured it out after so much bad sex.
Later on in the day, after we come home from an early dinner at Applebee’s, he will try this again. Now, because I have most likely had three too many glasses of red wine, I will comply. I am drunk and have intimacy issues. After his attempts to move in close, I will likely begin to think about my job, the errands I need to run in the next morning, and probably something along the lines of “God I hope I don’t get pregnant.”
It’s not like it’s hard for me to let loose. I mean, if I ever had the opportunity to I definitely would. And could. I just haven’t had the opportunity to since I was young. But this year is going to be different.
9:42pm
Today we got in a new one. His name is Mickey. He is about 8.5 inches long, a real champion. After painting about 60 of them today I decided that Mickey was going to come home with me tonight.
I quietly introduced myself under the covers, but he didn’t respond. He’s quiet, which I like about him. He also doesn’t want to cuddle, or kiss my neck, or move too fast. He lasts forever. We could go on and on all night if we wanted to.
January 27th
I had always thought I was a bad judge of character, until Mickey came into my life. In every nook and cranny of decisions I have made, people I have trusted and loved, and the energies that I had let into my life, I always seem to have made the wrong choice. Except when it comes down to Mickey. Things may be moving fast, but we have been spending a lot of time together. Even on my lunch breaks he comes in to see me. He is probably the best thing that has happened to me.
February 15th
Jim came into my work today. I guess he found a pay stub with the address on it and wanted to surprise me for lunch. I was eating a bologna sandwich. Sitting, reading the daily comics in the Chronicle. I looked up to check the time, and there he was. Jim. My husband. Staring at me, jaw dropped, eyes bigger than I had ever seen before. And there I was. White gown, hair net, surrounded by windows looking into an assembly line of women painting rubber dicks. I didn’t say anything. Silence. I had nothing to be ashamed of.
“What the fuck is this place?”
“McLoughlins”
He grabbed my arm and firmly took me outside. Lighting a cigarette, he asked again, “Now what the fuck is this place?”
“I work here. I have been working here. You know this. It’s been over a year now.“ Confrontation never came easily for me. Neither did talking to him seriously.
“So you paint dicks. This is what you do. Everyday. Painting dicks. Why in God’s name would you never tell me about this?”
“Look, my lunch is over. I have to go.”
I walked back inside, and he stayed there, jaw still halfway to the cement.
February 20th-
I have considered leaving Jim for years now. I never thought I could do any better, but with the new influence of Mickey in my life, the thought runs through my head everyday. I called my sister to get a second opinion, but couldn’t manage to tell her the whole truth.
“Well, did you meet somebody else?”
“Not really.”
“Then why leave such a good thing for an idea of a better life?”
“I have to go.”
It wasn’t a good thing, it never was a good thing. It will never be a good thing. Nobody will understand me like Mickey does. Nobody will ever love me like he does.
February 27th-
Jim is growing more and more suspicious. He must know, he has to. We haven’t even touched each other since Mickey came into my life. Mickey even asked me today if I still intended on leaving him. I have to do it. I am going to do it. It is the only thing that makes sense anymore.
February 28th-
Mickey told me today that if I didn’t leave Jim, he would leave me. He said he was sick of feeling like just some toy, he wanted to be more than that. He wanted us to be serious.
March 1st-
Last night Jim walked in on Mickey and I. We were relaxing, having a glass of wine and watching a movie. I explained to him, the only way I knew how, that I wasn’t happy any longer. There was nothing he could do about it. I had fallen in love with someone else. Someone that understood me. Someone simple. No bullshit. I knew he wouldn’t take kindly to the news but I had no idea he would do this. Tearing picture frames off the walls, throwing my clothes into suitcases, screaming uncontrollably, “HOW COULD YOU.” I grabbed Mickey from the shoebox under our bed and left, leaving behind everything I had once loved.
“IS THAT IT?”
I slammed the door behind me and I was gone. I couldn’t help but doubt my decision, but I am here now, at the Sleep Inn next to the plant. Nothing matters anymore. It is just him and I. We. Us. Together. He doesn’t care that I am 42. He loves that I am 42. He says he will pay for everything once he gets his life together. And I know he will. He will.
March 2nd-
I thought Jim would be happy for me. But that doesn’t matter anymore. I am happy for me. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Even if my family won’t talk to me, it doesn’t matter. There is nothing more beautiful than the relationship Mickey and I have created. Nothing more real.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
001
point one. point zero zero one.
When you feel small,
Remember and look
Softly open those eyes
Nostalgic, the two of us could be seen
"Candy says"
Without forgetting that small memory, I came
And from the depths of my heart
Created yesterday's memories
"Candy says"
You keep disappearing
But how long I keep running
After the memories
When you feel small,
Remember and look
Softly open those eyes
Nostalgic, the two of us could be seen
"Candy says"
Without forgetting that small memory, I came
And from the depths of my heart
Created yesterday's memories
"Candy says"
You keep disappearing
But how long I keep running
After the memories
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